40/3

Feverish boy + little sleep = tired mami without makeup

40/2

The tiny boy had a fever and spent the night in our bed. I woke up this morning to him nestled into my neck. Heaven.

Long Road

It seems like we're supposed to worry over turning 40, especially as women. At least in my life, it has long been held out as somehow the end of things, the point at which you are out of options and damn well better have a plan in place for the rest of your days. I've never really given it much thought, I've always been the youngest in my circle of friends and in my work groupings. I still get carded from time to time. I have kind of chipmunk cheeks and a crooked front tooth, both of which make me look a bit younger than I actually am.

It almost took my by surprise earlier this year when I realized I would turn 40 this fall. I certainly don't feel 40, though I've lived enough to accumulate 40 years worth of experiences. I've really had some amazing times.

The perspective that I've gained in recent months and years is a whole other animal than the way in which I lived during my first three decades. I started out as a child model, and while still in high school I was being groomed for magazine covers and runways. While most of that never came to be, even after I got out of that business I was still living in that mindset. Life in Los Angeles sort of lends itself to being self-absorbed, and I'm no better than most. Looking good, being perceived to be beautiful; these are powerful things for a young woman who lost her daddy far too early, who needed to be told she was loved over and over again.

The ironic thing is that the man I eventually fell hard for, the man I would later marry, is the least likely person in the world to talk about my looks. I can't even twist his arm to give me an opinion on a haircut. I'm sure he has his opinions, but for him it's not about those things. He loves me in his own way, deeply but quietly. In many ways, it has helped me to give up on some of that pretty girl baggage.

I've seen a number of photo essays around the web that have to do with daily photos, and I was struck by the urge to do a series - 40 daily photos as I move toward my 40th birthday. Not the styled, posed shots of my past, or even the jesus-I-got-lucky-with-that-shot photos that are usually the ones that I post or that make it into an album. Just a quick shot from my phone each day. I'm sort of excited to see where this goes.

Feliz Cumpleaños - June 2010

Happy 3rd birthday, my love.

I've been meaning to pick up the blog again, and what a perfect opportunity. In addition to neglecting the blog, I've also fallen a bit behind in the monthly letters I've written to you in your journal. They're the stories of your days, the words you learned, the friends you made, and the funny expressions you come up with ("Because it's not dinner time!'). One of my great joys as your mother is sitting with that journal and thinking back, remembering all of your experiences, and writing down the ones that I think will someday tell you about your childhood.

We're in Florida right now, celebrating your birthday with Tata and G-Papi. You've been spending a lot of time with your cousin Gigi, she's very sweet with you and likes playing with your toys almost as much as you do. Last night, Allie and Jeremy arrived, and you've been over the moon to see Jeremy again. Tomorrow, Enrique, Luca and Nicole will fly in and stay for the rest of the week. All six of Tata and G-Papi's grandchildren will be together, for the first time since we all gathered in Boulder when you turned one year old.

As we're in Florida and it's June (almost July), it's unbearably hot. We've spent most days inside, playing and watching World Cup matches. Now that the other kids are here, we'll be in the pool for a while each day. You're so eager to swim on your own, so convinced that you can do it - if it were a matter of sheer will, you'd be swimming already. I think that within a few weeks you'll be moving through the water like a little fish.

As for me, I'm so fulfilled by being your mami, so much more so than I could have ever imagined. You are kind and loving, and you remind me to slow down and not rush through my days. Every day, you teach me patience and remind me to be so very grateful. Te quiero, mijo.

After Dinner

Most evenings in the summer, if it's not too hot, we try to go for a walk after dinner. There's a perfect window when it's late enough to be cooling off for the evening, but before the mosquitoes come out in force.

Usually our walk takes us down the lane to visit the neighborhood horses, Paella and General. Valentino takes a couple of carrots along so he can feed the horses, who are so mellow and so spoiled with treats from the neighborhood kids, they gently pluck the carrots from my boy's hands. Now that he's older and bigger, Valentino likes to climb to the top of the gate so he can be eye level with them, and stretches his hands out to try to pet them.

We met the owner of the horses for the first time on our walk a couple of nights ago. He told us that Paella had been born on the lot in the small wooden shelter in 1985, and that she's been raised all of these years with kids coming and going throughout the day, passing her land and stopping to say hello. He was so pleased to be able to tell us the story of her life, and it made me think that it must also be (at least in part) the story of his.

Summer Fun

For years, I've walked past the water spurts on the Pearl Street Mall, and seen the kids at play. Years ago, my reaction was indifferent - they're kids, lots of people have kids (but not me, hahaha!!), yawn, etc. When I got pregnant, I started to look at things like this through new eyes. I tried to imagine being one of those parents sitting around the perimeter of the fountains - would I be mellow and chatting to the person next to me, or would my eyes be glued to my mini-me? Would I be able to relax and just watch the pure joy of a child splashing in the water, or would I be forever nervous, worried about strangers or falling or catching a chill or soggy diapers or oh my god what if the other kids won't play with him?

I happy to report that I am totally capable of just sitting and enjoying the play time. I stripped him down and turned him loose, and I think I laughed nearly as much as he did. He ADORED playing in the fountains, and I swear I'll never again make him step over a puddle instead of splash in it.

And because I think my kid is insanely cute, I'm submitting this photo for Aimee Greeblemonkey's July photo contest.

Feliz Cumpleaños

What a difference a year makes. Happy 2nd birthday, my love.