40/3

Feverish boy + little sleep = tired mami without makeup

40/2

The tiny boy had a fever and spent the night in our bed. I woke up this morning to him nestled into my neck. Heaven.

Long Road

It seems like we're supposed to worry over turning 40, especially as women. At least in my life, it has long been held out as somehow the end of things, the point at which you are out of options and damn well better have a plan in place for the rest of your days. I've never really given it much thought, I've always been the youngest in my circle of friends and in my work groupings. I still get carded from time to time. I have kind of chipmunk cheeks and a crooked front tooth, both of which make me look a bit younger than I actually am.

It almost took my by surprise earlier this year when I realized I would turn 40 this fall. I certainly don't feel 40, though I've lived enough to accumulate 40 years worth of experiences. I've really had some amazing times.

The perspective that I've gained in recent months and years is a whole other animal than the way in which I lived during my first three decades. I started out as a child model, and while still in high school I was being groomed for magazine covers and runways. While most of that never came to be, even after I got out of that business I was still living in that mindset. Life in Los Angeles sort of lends itself to being self-absorbed, and I'm no better than most. Looking good, being perceived to be beautiful; these are powerful things for a young woman who lost her daddy far too early, who needed to be told she was loved over and over again.

The ironic thing is that the man I eventually fell hard for, the man I would later marry, is the least likely person in the world to talk about my looks. I can't even twist his arm to give me an opinion on a haircut. I'm sure he has his opinions, but for him it's not about those things. He loves me in his own way, deeply but quietly. In many ways, it has helped me to give up on some of that pretty girl baggage.

I've seen a number of photo essays around the web that have to do with daily photos, and I was struck by the urge to do a series - 40 daily photos as I move toward my 40th birthday. Not the styled, posed shots of my past, or even the jesus-I-got-lucky-with-that-shot photos that are usually the ones that I post or that make it into an album. Just a quick shot from my phone each day. I'm sort of excited to see where this goes.